Dear Max and Rebecca
Remembering how much I’ve forgotten. That pretty much sums up parenting again, after seven years of having a newborn. I think it might be a little bit like running the Comrades Marathon another time – you know it will be hard, you know there will be great points, but you don’t recall where, when or how exactly. And each time is different yet the same.
And that’s where I find myself. Remembering. Learning. There’s been pain (recovery from a Caesar), highs (wait until you have a newborn falling asleep on your chest), lows (“Will I ever have my life again?”), success (ie breastfeeding without many hassles) and happiness (I’m feeling more “complete”, plus utter gratitude).
I feel a bit happier this time round and more settled as a new mom than last time, but I’m finding the recovery a lot slower. At this point last time I think I was running already, and feeling more energetic. Now, I’m still quite sore when I move, and more depleted, and I haven’t bounced back physically as much as I would have liked. The thought of running 500m is dreadful… last time I couldn’t wait to hit the road.
I have jumped back into freelance and blog work fairly quickly, and it’s helping me feel good – I remember last time feeling so “useless” those first few weeks with you, Max, and how my confidence as a mom and woman soared when I started working again.
The things that I had forgotten? Here are some of them:
- The fatigue (you know it’s coming, but you don’t know how it will really feel again)
- That there’s a need for an even bigger size bra
- That newborns are so tiny
- That feeling of self-consciousness when you’re large, but without the pregnant stomach
- That there’s extreme thirst when breastfeeding and expressing
- That you never get bored staring at a newborn
- The enormous fear of looking after someone so utterly helpless, and reliant on you
- The enormous thrill and privileged feeling of looking after someone so utterly helpless, and reliant on you
- The fear that life is forever changed, and that the old good moments won’t ever be there again (don’t judge me for this one kids – apparently it’s quite normal during this transition/adjustment period to worry about never having the good bits of your old life back)
The thing I never forgot though is how intense, deep and unwavering the love for your child is, even before they are born. That’s unforgettable.
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