Finding my feet, and looking up

August 4, 2016

Dear Max

As amazing as this year has been on a personal front (pregnancy, first year of good marriage, contentment and general happiness), it’s also socked a bit of a punch to my gut (the ever-expanding one) on a work front, and there hasn’t been a time in my life where I’ve been more insecure of my abilities.

This was not my script for a new decade – I was hoping to toss away many of my insecurities from my 20s and 30s, and to acknowledge any strengths, while dulling out the noise and obstructions.

If you had to even ask why I’m feeling so off centre, I probably wouldn’t be able to give you a great reason. It just is.  I mostly got myself here through a bit of overfeeling and a lot of overthinking, and I need to get out.

Yesterday we went to an indoor climbing venue and watching you, it got me thinking a bit about climbing – the rise, the fall, the effort, the fun, the learning.

I must start by saying how much fun you had, and how fearless you are, even though it is pretty secure (here’s what I wrote about your first REAL rock climbing experience nearly two years ago in Waterval Boven). I’ve never been to an indoor climbing place, so I have nothing to compare to, but this place was clean, organised and wth lots of climbing options for kids and grown-ups.

Anyway, back to my very minor epiphany… Much like rock climbing, you get yourself up, without losing your footing. If you do, in most cases, you just try again to get back up. You don’t berate yourself for not making it to the top or falling – you just carry on, of course. Because if you felt let down or lost confidence for each slip, you’d unlikely ever make your way up again (a similar analogy exists with infants learning to walk – they fall, get up, fall, get up, until they’ve learnt how to walk).

So, while I’m way too pregnant and not adept enough most days to slip on a harness and get on the wall, I’m quite determined to do a different kind of climb – out of my head and insecurities, and into what might be the real truth. It’s a heavy weight I sometimes carry (not just physically), and no one else can push me up. Just me.

Thanks for always demonstrating to me the skill of keeping on moving, and ascending. As always, you’re a great teacher.


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