With you, before the two lines on the pregnancy test, and the blood test, I *knew* I was pregnant when I felt a slight twinge on my lower right side, and the cat slept on that side of my stomach the whole night before the test. It was a feeling. After then, my pregnancy symptoms came swiftly and with strength – my aversion to coffee, many fragrances and diet drinks, and nausea and dizziness that weren’t exactly debilitating, but unpleasant. Through saying they were unpleasant isn’t really the truth – they were amazing symptoms of something that I wanted for so long, and that yielded you.
With your sibling, I kinda *knew*, when, on the way out one night, I felt nauseous in the passenger site and had to stick my head out the window to ease the discomfort. My perfume, which that morning had been fragrant, was repulsive, and these deja vu symptoms alerted me that maybe I was pregnant. The next morning, I suddenly craved Milo, something that I had every day during my pregnancy with you. I took a pregnancy test that day and the day after, and got second lines so faint I thought that my eye was seeing what my heart wanted, and that maybe I had created these symptoms.
The next day, I got a very strong positive on a digital result, and it all made sense. Three days and many nauseous moments later, my boobs shot out (or down) and the heaviness I’m feeling there is balanced by the lightness I’m feeling in mood and spirit. I hadn’t been trying for that long, and I wasn’t sure my body would get it right. But it did. And I’m grateful, overwhelmed, excited and happy.
With you, I found out I was pregnant a day before my birthday, and this time I found out a week before. I feel twinges all the time, and I’m imagining your sibling growing, developing, burrowing. At this time of writing, I’m shy of five weeks (I’m now 15 weeks and in a bit of a safer space to share news), and I’ve only told very few people. Our first scan is a week and a half, and I remember the panic, excitement and anxiety from each week or milestone to the next. It’s a time of ticking boxes of me, and that terrifying process of not really ever knowing that all will be okay.
When I was pregnant with you I wrote a journal about what I was feeling and going through. It was before this blog, and wasn’t necessarily addressed to you, but one day I’ll probably share it with you.
This seems like the obvious place to journal the journey, but probably not in a “I’m nauseous” or “It’s tough choosing a pram” way. I’m not sure how to continue on this space, and whether Dear Max needs to take another form, but these are just fun things to consider though I would like to prevent any future or potential veribels (squabbles in Yiddish).
Like with you, I feel a strong soul this time too, and it just feels like a girl. The other day I asked you if you wanted a brother or sister, to which you replied you already had brothers (Avile, Sbonga and Amahle). I then asked if you wanted a “real” brother or sister from my tummy, and you said yes, and that you preferred a sister.
Hoping and praying that you get to be a big brother to a healthy sister (or brother, though I’m pretty sure she’s a she).
PS: It’s a girl!
Feature image: Robyn Davey Photography
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