I’m not sure how to start this blog post, and I’ve thought about how I would approach this 2013 “finale” post. Would I lay it all bare, would I try make it upbeat and grateful, or would I have a glass or four of Haute Cabriere and let that take care of the writing.
But rather than plan it, I’m choosing to sit here and let the summary of 2013 unravel by itself. This is not to say though that I won’t have a glass of Haute Cabriere after. Or four.
So here’s the deal, this year has been a mixed bag. And in fact, a friend recently asked me how I’d found the year. And that’s how I answered: it was a mixed bag. There was happiness, opportunity, growth and health. I finished races, I made new friendships and revived lost ones, I paid all my bills, and I came out okay.
But there’s a but to this year. It was good but I was hurt. It was good but I lost. It was good but my mom was injured and later sick. It was good but I had never felt worse about myself before. It was good but I was hurt on many levels and in different parts. It was good but I wanted to sit out the race. Several times. It was good but it was bad in so many ways.
But there’s a but to those buts. It was bad but I learnt to stand firmly on my own. It was bad but I started to realise my worth. It was bad but I learnt how I’d like to be treated. It was bad but I managed full independence. It was bad but I came to accept my mom, and released much resentment and anger. It was bad but I got a hold of and an awareness of my negativity and insecurity (some of it, anyway). It was bad but I breathed again.
And like with running a marathon, the breathing is sometimes laboured. And I’m often short of breath. But mostly there’s deep and happy breathing. And appreciation that I’m able to do it. And reach the finish line in tact. And there will be a sigh of relief when it’s all over, and possibly a beer or champagne on the 31st.
Max, you have been a little sturdy hand and support for me this year, and once again I ask myself who has looked after whom. You gave me so much reason to find my smile and strength again, and as I tried to grow, you flourished.
I will never ever forget how one evening, many months ago, while I was lying in my bathroom crying, you came to sit next to me, patted my arm, told me take a deep breath, and that you were here for me. I realise you learn from me, and seeing how I comfort you, but this was on another level of compassion and depth from such a big little person.
So yes, it was a mixed bag that made for a very heavy load at times, but many times it made my walk a whole light lighter. And the most I can do is sling it over my shoulder, and not let it tipple me over. At least I’ve cleaned out most of the crap inside it.
To a wonderful 2014,
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