Dear Max

So the “good” news is that doctors have found no signs of stroke or bleeding in granny’s brain.

The “bad” news is that at the time of writing, she is not really talking aside from some moaning (I’m assuming it’s a bit of discomfort. Or frustration). And granny looks at me with what appears to be anguish in her eyes. Or pain. Or confusion.

A few months ago, after a very rough time after granny’s fall and hip replacement op, I was going through my not unfamiliar anger, resentment and “why me” feelings. And I realised I had to get my shit together. I felt that she was slipping, and that I needed to make peace with who she was, what she gave me (and didn’t give me), and let go.

And so I did. And I started enjoying time with her a little bit more. And I accepted her. And I stopped resenting what I needed to do for her.

And I’m so glad I did. My regrets are fewer, and my heart has space for more love and acceptance for her.

Truthfully, I think she has slipped beyond grasp now. I hope I’m wrong. And I hope to get more of her in a communicative form. And honestly, I’m not praying for her health – I’m praying for what is best for her, and for what is meant to be. Whatever that is.

xMom

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