This week I published a post on Rattle and Mum by a writer and comedian, on the weird things he never thought he’d do as a parent. A few moms added to the list, and it’s really too good not to add on here. Here’s the list from Jason Good that appeared in Huffington Post about some of the things parents might find themselves doing in the first five years. And then there’s my list following it.
- Butter a piece of toast while peeing
- Brush someone’s teeth against their will.
- Blow on food while it’s in someone else’s mouth.
- Help someone else blow on food while it’s in someone else’s mouth.
- Eat food that’s fallen out of someone else’s mouth.
- Eat food you found on the floor.
- Eat food you found on the mantle.
- Eat candy you found in a shoe.
- Visit a psychiatrist.
- Wipe somebody’s nose with your bare hand.
- Let somebody barf in your bare hand.
- Eat baby food.
- Blame a fart on a child.
- Blame a child’s fart on your spouse.
- Get someone dressed while you’re in the shower.
- Pass out from blowing up a kiddie pool.
- Cut up a grape.
- Almost agree to cut up a raisin.
- Pretend to enjoy the flavor of a prune.
- Ask someone why their hair smells like Gogurt.
- Ask someone why their hair smells like your antiperspirant.
- Put someone else’s toenail clippings in your pocket.
- Let someone watch you crap while they stare blankly eating a popsicle.
- Have someone think you’re amazing at frisbee.
- Have your child think that every model looks like you (“Look, eet’s mommy”)
- Scoop out poo in the bath with a plastic spade
- Change a nappy with one hand
- Catch vomit with your hands
- Find a used wipe in your handbag
- Re-use the used wipe
- Loudly ask “Did you make a poo” in the shopping centre
- Not realise that you have milk and vomit stains on your work clothes
- Sing the theme songs of Barney and Shaun the Sheep, even when your kids aren’t around
- Pass a new rule – from the five-second one to the five-hour one
- Eat the cupcake even after your child has licked off all the icing
- Tell “lies” like the car is sleeping, the park is closed, and the shop is closed, even though the doors are open
What would you add?
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