Since I last posted…

April 25, 2019

Dear Max and Rebecca

There have been so many posts in my head, but I haven’t got them to “paper” yet. Too much overthinking and wondering how much to write (I try to guard us as much as possible here), and what’s still meaningful to pen.

On Saturday I ran Two Oceans and I loved it. The last few weeks I’ve really found my running mojo and have rediscovered what I love about it. ie, it’s not just a tick-the-box exercise as it might have been when I started running again late last year. I also judge a good run by how much I was able to give and take – give to fellow runners and spectators (eg thank you, and “well done for your 10th run”) and take from my surrounds. Saturday held so much of that, and I was in a comfort zone throughout.

Which brings me to the next point… how do I get out of the comfort zone, and do I even want to? When I say comfort zone, I don’t mean easy. I mean it’s comfortably difficult. And my times are reflecting this. I was only four minutes faster than last year, but the difference in mood, experience, self esteem and comfort between the two races is a huge one. Last year’s race figuratively knocked me out, and I barely laced up for about six months. There were other things going on, and that blog post has been in my mind for a while – hopefully it will get here.

I’m debating whether to do Comrades, but I’m not sure I’m fast enough right now. One of the reasons I want to do it is to have a goal and keep on running – I worry about easing up and not keeping on keeping on, which has a negative impact on my mood and self esteem. I still have the Catch Me If You Can group twice a week, and so I’ll be hitting the road with them – with buffs, gloves, headlamps and layers of clothing.

Something that de-centred me a bit was your granny going to live in Cape Town. Long story short – her retirement/care facility closed, and we didn’t have great options here. Your uncle found a fantastic spot in Cape Town, and set her up there, in a wonderful apartment with excellent caregivers. I worried about her move, and I miss seeing her regularly. I’ve seen her twice since she left in February, and both times I’ve felt like I’m losing her a bit more. She is content and well looked after, and seems oblivious to her health, so I don’t worry about her per se. I just miss her, and so often I just want to tell her something, but realise I can’t.

Work excites me and terrifies me – I still go from month to month in a state of fear (I think I’m sometimes wired to expect the worst, and wonder when the good will come crashing down), but the freedom, fun challenges and creativity often reaffirm that I’m in a good space.

Last week we went to Dullstroom for a weekend (sorry Max – you couldn’t come because of school), and it was just lovely – full of relaxation (and by relaxation I mean G&T drinking), chilling and reading. We were there about a year ago this time, and I was in a completely different state this year (for the better). While time is sometimes a thief, it can also heal things and turn things around.

The two of you are doing great – Max, you’re loving Fortnite and Nerfs still, and Rebecca, you have discovered Barbies and are loving them (we have given you as many trucks and cars as we have dolls, but for now you are steered more towards the dolls). You’re maturing all the time, and I treasure every “now” with you so much.

Love you both so much,

Mom

 

Feature image: Sunset in Bantry Bay

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