Dear Max and Rebecca
I wonder if you’ll one day read these posts, and wonder what I was going through in the quieter blogging times, or why I wasn’t writing. Is it because I didn’t have anything to say, or was too busy, or wasn’t invested enough in giving you pieces of me and our lives.
Well, it’s none of these things, really. I have lots to say, and I could always be making the time to write more. The thing is, some of it might be boring for you (and me, to write), and some of it is better left off this platform. You’ll probably have noticed that this blog is only a fraction of what goes on in our heads and hearts, and while I write for you, I realise this might be dull reading for others. And that’s okay. I’ve often said that I won’t bring in the soap opera elements for likes or reads, nor will I reveal what could hurt how people see me now, and how they see you both one day.
While our past shapes us, I don’t think it defines us, so while I could write more about divorce, infertility, loss, addiction, an ailing mom, abuse etc etc, those aren’t my theme songs, and I prefer to find other tunes to which to write about our lives.
I could complain, but where’s the fun in that? I could talk about my fears, but for now, I’d like to protect you from some of those, talk to Andrew about the bulk, and share doses with you guys if/when it’s ever appropriate.
I could write about all that I have. I could write about some of the things I don’t have. But while I’m one for gratitude, I don’t think i need to “brag” about all which I have, nor do I need to make the things I don’t have the “hero” of my story (though I probably will never stop writing about how I don’t have – and want – thinner thighs).
So my precious children, if ever you think that I didn’t have much to write at various points, please know that there are always so many words and emotions circulating, but they most often don’t make it here for all the above reasons.
I obviously still love you and care about this space of memories/learning, even in the absence of my written words…
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