When something so right feels so wrong

October 22, 2014

Dear Max

To my own fault, I guess, I’m a glass-half-full kinda person. When something goes wrong in my life, or there is a problem, I try to see the good side, or find the positive. For example: “My mom isn’t well, but at least she’s happy and has great care”. Or, “My work isn’t going so well, but at least I’m still enjoying blogging”. And “My running training and times have taken a nosedive, but at least I still enjoy it”.

The half-glass-full outlook is mostly because I am a positive person, and a little bit because I hate complaining and being a “victim”. But with that comes a bit of loneliness and an inability many times to “own” sadness, and to feel I have a right to mope around, be down, or just accept that sometimes things are shitty, and that I don’t need to immediately find something positive to balance out the shitiness.

Right now, however, my glass is full, and I’m feeling happier than I have been in a long time. Relationships are good, I’ve started a new job three days a week that are just what every part of me needed, my outlook is great, and things are mostly working. I currently have what a psychiatrist might label, a “sunny disposition”.

But here’s the thing – it’s all really scary, and I’m kind of looking for or expecting my to-the-brim glass to become half full. Don’t get me wrong though. I’m not actively seeking it out, or wanting it, but as scary as it is to dwell on the negative, I’m cautious to revel in the positive. Because what if by admitting all is good, that I then lose it? Or what if, when I see only the positive, that I deny the things that aren’t perfect, or stop working on the flaws, or stop trying to better the imperfections.

For so many reasons, many of which I don’t even understand, happiness is often scarier than sadness. I think my challenge here is to not feel guilty for it, and to enjoy it, while recognising the imperfections, but not getting bogged down by them.

To happiness without the fear,

xMom

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2 Comments

  • MeeA

    It’s called “overthinking things” and I think we all do it.
    So glad you’re happy – long may it last! 🙂

    October 22, 2014 at 4:07 pm Reply
    • denita

      Tell me about it. I am also generally happy, and feel that life just couldn’t be better at the moment. But I can’t help but wondering when my happiness bubble is gonna burst… Here’s to happy times!

      October 23, 2014 at 9:43 am Reply

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