Not the happiest post, but no apologies here

October 15, 2013

Dear Max

I write this while sitting outside ICU where your granny is, and I could think of no better way to make sense of what’s happening or tend to my heart matters than by writing this to you.

I’ve written before that Granny Lorna hasn’t been so well, and this morning I woke to messages that she had had a fit early in the morning, and had gone to hospital. I was slow to respond – I’ve received so many calls over the last few years of falls and visits to the hospital, that I didn’t think much of this.

But getting here, and entering the ICU, I *knew* this time was different. Aside from a current diagnosis of bleeding on the brain, quiet fits and possible stroke, the fact that I don’t see my mom “awake” and responsive, smiling despite the pain, is a realisation that maybe things are different this time. And it took me to a difficult place 28 years ago, when I first stepped into an ICU, to see my mom barely visible beneath wires, tubes and machines following her brain surgery.

I feel as terrified and helpless as I did then, although then I remember rushing out the room, in tears, with my dad to comfort me. Now, I am speaking to doctors and taking calls, and all I really want to do is cry freely like a child, leaning on a pillar, without trying to act like one.

I hope that things happen as they’re meant to. For now, I’ll keep writing and feeling.

xMom

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21 Comments

  • Karen at MomAgain@40

    Sorry to hear, Tanya! Thinking of you!

    October 15, 2013 at 10:45 am Reply
    • Tanya Kovarsky

      Thank you so much

      October 16, 2013 at 6:33 pm Reply
  • Sharon

    Thinking of you and your family Tanya. Prayers for your mom! Cry if you need to!
    xxx

    October 15, 2013 at 11:01 am Reply
    • Tanya Kovarsky

      I’m crying – trust me! 🙂

      October 16, 2013 at 6:33 pm Reply
  • Lorna

    Thinking of you Tanya and praying for your Mom and you and your familyxxxxx

    October 15, 2013 at 11:25 am Reply
  • Lindi

    Thinking of you and Max! Xxxxxx

    October 15, 2013 at 11:34 am Reply
    • Tanya Kovarsky

      Thanks Lindi!

      October 16, 2013 at 6:34 pm Reply
  • Sian

    I am so sorry. Thinking of you.

    October 15, 2013 at 12:52 pm Reply
  • Rina Gerritsen

    Thinking of you xxxx

    October 15, 2013 at 1:08 pm Reply
  • Alison

    Oh Tanya, am thinking of you & praying for your family. (don’t keep the tears in too long – cry if you must) God Bless. xxxxxx

    October 15, 2013 at 2:30 pm Reply
    • Tanya Kovarsky

      Thank you so much!

      October 16, 2013 at 6:33 pm Reply
  • Alexia

    Oh no! I hope she’s not in pain, and that you’re not in pain. I’ll let my mom know ASAP that “Frizz” isn’t doing we’ll will be thinking of you and holding thumbs. You are very, very, brave my friend.

    October 15, 2013 at 3:17 pm Reply
    • Tanya Kovarsky

      Thanks Lex – I can’t stop thinking of those good ol days 🙂

      October 16, 2013 at 6:33 pm Reply
  • Elana

    Tanya, I’m thinking of you with love as I remember my lovely, sparkly, funny friend Frizz from our former lives.

    October 15, 2013 at 4:56 pm Reply
  • Nikki Lincoln

    Sending you lots of positive thoughts! Prayers for you and your mom xxx

    October 15, 2013 at 5:52 pm Reply
    • Tanya Kovarsky

      Thanks so much

      October 16, 2013 at 6:32 pm Reply
  • Joanne

    Hi Tanya

    Thinking of you and your family during this difficult time. Sending loads of prayers and well wishes.
    Love Joanne

    October 15, 2013 at 6:34 pm Reply
  • Tiina

    Thinking of you Tanya. Lots of strenght to you and hope for things to get better. I am so sorry.

    October 15, 2013 at 6:47 pm Reply
  • Mrs FF

    Thoughts are with you and your family.

    October 15, 2013 at 7:26 pm Reply
  • Ankia

    ((((Hugs))))

    October 15, 2013 at 7:34 pm Reply
  • shane bunyan

    sorry to hear of your grannys poor health. I hope she does not suffer
    shane xx

    October 16, 2013 at 10:17 am Reply
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