Wherever I go with you, so too does Jean Kelly, the nappy bag.
It has nappies, Lego, wipes, sunblock and snacks for you. Heck, it even haas enough nappies, Lego, wipes, sunblock and snacks for a group of five toddlers.
I feel a little insecure without it – what happens if you get bored? What happens if you’re hungry? What happens if you have a poop nappy and there is nothing to change you with (like what happened a few weeks ago at Shabbat dinner).
But not insecure enough to bring it with us to Hyde Park shopping centre on Saturday. It’s a pretty posh centre with upmarket shops, and after filling my prescription at Clicks, you and I went to Life for lunch.
And this is how the script read, while you were in your pram, and while I was eating lunch:
(Cue dripping sound. Mom looks around, and sees liquid coming out of nappy, wetting pram, son and clothing).
Max (in pained, frustrated tone): I’m wet
Mom: Okay Max, no worries. Mom will be a few minutes more. I just need to finish lunch and pay for it, and then we’ll go home to get changed.
Max (in whiney voice): I wanna take my nappy off. I wanna take my pants off.
(Max starts taking his pants and nappy off, while mom watches nervously)
Mom: Um, Max, don’t do that. Let’s wait a bit.
(Max strips off pants and nappy).
Mom (in panicked voice): Max, can you wait here? Promise? I’m going to Clicks to get some nappies. Promise me you’ll stay here. I can’t take you there naked.
Max nods. Moms goes to kind-looking mom sitting at table next door and asks her to watch her child, and to protect him from getting abducted. Mom looks around for waiter to assure him that she’s not ducking, and to ask not to clear her R70 salad just yet. She doesn’t find him, but realising that absorbent cotton is a priority, dashes to Clicks.
Mom carries on dash to nappy section, picks a packet, then runs to queue, only to find nine people ahead of her. And two tellers. She taps her foot, fears for her naked child, and tears open the packet of nappies and grabs one. She then asks the man behind her to keep her space, and promises on her son’s life she’ll be back to pay for the nappies.
Mom rushes to Max, and plants nappy on him, in three seconds. She asks Max to wait again, asks the mom to watch him, and flags down a waiter and assures him she’ll be back to pay. Mom sprints back to Clicks, is happily surprised that her open pack of nappies is in front of the queue, and promptly pays for them.
Mom returns to Max, who is happily playing with his new helicopter, under the supervision of the waiter. Mom finishes her salad, pays the bill, and pushes a wet pram while pulling Max, dressed only in a nappy.
They head to the expensive kids’ clothing store because Pick n Pay is just too far to take the walk of shame, and to continue with the push-pull.
Mom to store saleswoman: “How much are your cheapest pair of pants?”
Mom (gulping): I’ll take them
Mom tries to put pants on Max, but needs to change his nappy again because he’s been playing in his wet pram during the time of purchase. Mom takes off the nappy in the store, Max runs around naked a bit, then Mom slaps on nappy and new pants in six seconds.
Mom and Max exit, with Mom making mental note to never ever leave Jean Kelly behind.
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